5 Hour (lack of) Energy

These commercials are terrible. Flat out. Do they shoot them with the same cameras as Mexican soap operas? 

Videos and more after the jump.

There are a host of these annoying 30 second spots. They originally started combating that "2:30 feeling," and now focus more on being better than coffee. I don't do energy drinks, or coffee for that matter, but I think it is pretty accepted that loading yourself with chemicals that get you through the day, every single day, might not be great for you. But according to 5 Hour Energy commercials, it is not meth in a can, but a nice gentle pick me up, with no crash! The fine print reads "No crash means no sugar crash. 5 Hour Energy contains no sugar." I'd imagine there's also no potassium crash, or cyanide crash, or bicycle crash, or any other crash associated with things NOT in 5 Hour Energy.

 But regardless, the commercials are creepy. They feature the wooden scary people who are like dirty zombies when they wake up, and off putting mannequins after they take their energy shot. This one is the worst to me:

So coffee is impossible. You have to "wait for it, make it, fuss with it, carry it around." I'll give you "fuss with it," because who decided coffee was a good beverage to make ubiquitous? It's the only beverage where you just assume a person doesn't want it plain, and will have to add a shit-ton of stuff that actually tastes good to it. Why not pick a good beverage? But I digress. 

Waiting 4 minutes in line at Starbucks because some Samoan dude is texting made that lady want to kill herself. And the guy who highlights "carrying it around" being a problem is just a spaz. He's carrying a briefcase, travel mug, old-timey private eye style trenchcoat, and some sort of cardboard tube. Everything has a place and he could easily walk the 14 feet to his car, but he freaks out like something alive is in the cardboard tube. AND he doesn't even spill the coffee. So it's not that bad. 

Then the non-descript white guy who is so bland I can't even make fun of him drinks the 5 Hour Energy. Is he The Flash of drinking things? He clearly didn't drink a drop, he doesn't even pretend to swallow. And then makes the impossibly lightning fast decision that "That was fast and easy," delivers that line like Keanu Reeves on horse tranquilizers. Could anyone open one of those, drink the entire thing, and then decide they like it, in 2.5 seconds. It also more than likely tastes terrible but I have no idea.

 Then he coyly decides to read the paper because he has so much free time. So he does it how we all like to leisurely read the paper, with one leg on the floor and one on the ground. I've never seen a person sit like that unless they were stretching out before they did Olympic gymnastics or something. Maybe his body would have more energy if he wasn't straining his taint muscles every time he "relaxes."  

This one is pretty bad also:

I'll try to be brief: 

Who sets their alarm for 5:42? You do intervals of 5. You know who doesn't do intervals of 5? Al Qaeda. She's not out of shape, she's skinny and has a rack. So really her problem isn't a lack of energy, it's her body dismorphia. Why did she sleep in a full bra, cami, shirt combo? Seems a bit much. She also clearly took a shower, did her hair, and changed clothes to work out. That is a recurring trend in these commercials; that 5 Hour Energy will "Princess Diaries" you into looking good. Oh and it looks like she learned how to drink liquids from the guy in the first commercial. Lip touch, and done. At least fake a swallow, that's all it would take.

There are 15 more of these that I could tee off on but you get the picture. Fun fact, the ad campaign won the Beverage Spectrum Magazine award for Best Marketing Campaign of 2010. Areyoufuckingkiddingme. The product is an energy drink, and it has the most agressively boring commercials ever, right down to the plunky bass riff playing under all of them. It's like taking 14% of meth. Give the actors a couple PLEASE. What the girl in the second video say "Let's do this." It is so weird and creepy and detached. It looks like she's saying it to her imaginary friend. And also, look at her treadmill set up at the very end. Who point's a treadmill away from the TV. That's a rough living room setup. Does she drag the treadmill out into the middle of the floor to use it? Sorry, I'll stop.