Okay, I'm pulling myself out of retirement for this one kids. Watch this trailer. What the fuck.
My god. What is this movie. And what a confusing trailer.
So they made a movie about a bunch of idiots who ride bikes. And I say idiots because Joseph Gordon-Levitt (JGL from here on out, I'm not typing that retarded name out 50 times) tells us in his moronic young-adult-novel-style narration that his bike is fixed gear. No brakes. Can't stop. Wouldn't want to.
Shut up.
The next shot is him getting possibly killed by a taxi. Would you want to stop now? What are brakes hurting? Get brakes. You spent the money on those gay little biker gloves. Get brakes.
Then we see that this isn't a movie about cool biker kids. It's a movie about package delivery. Thrilling. The correspondent guy from The Daily Show gives them assignments, and then the kids go out and deliver them, while having highly impractical phone conversations where they have to scream at each other because they are both careening at dangerous speeds through the streets of New York. Oh and they use some sort of super damaging chain weapon on taxis. Yeah, fuck taxis! Those fat cat douchebags should get their means of making money broken. Bikes rule! Hungry kids of taxi drivers drool!
So now we get into the "interesting" part. JGL gets a letter to deliver, its clearly something bad in the envelope because the Asian lady looks down after she hands it to him. Also, I'm not a huge expert on New York, but this lady called for a delivery at lets say 5 at the latest, and she needs it there by 7. Are there a lot of places in New York that it takes 2 hours to get to? You can get to Philly in 2 hours. Why not just drive it if its so fucking important? Anyway.
Mean generic bad guy Michael Shannon stops JGL, asks nicely for the thingy that he wants. JGL doesn't like that bullshit, and luckily it turns out that he is a borderline superhero with that bike. He just sort of hops away from the guy. Then JGL opens the envelope. Why. Why do that. Tom Hanks was on a goddamn island for like 30 years (or 6 months, it could easily be either) and didn't open that package. Take some pride in your work, man. And what is in the envelope? It's like a business card or something. I don't know. It's not shocking or intriguing at all. Why show us that?
Now starts the montage of random lines people say in movies thrown together.
Let's go line by line:
"If you don't give over that envelope, you have no idea what's coming for you" - Okay, well besides that being super fucking cliched, that grammar is a little off. Check your verb tenses. It's probably two different lines spliced together by whoever did this shitty trailer. But still. It's distracting to the son of an English teacher. And did you mean "hand over?"
"Why'd you have to go and ask for me?" - No one talks to themselves like that except moronic young-adult-novel-style narrators. So, maybe that's his other job besides being a professional dick no brakes biker menace to the city.
"You gotta waltz? with some people with real problems, it's life and desks?" - What? Spit those marbles out of your mouth General Zod (he's playing Zod. Google it.). I had to listen to it 12 times, it's "You got involved with some people" and from the context we all know it's "life or death." But listen to it again. He says desks. Or disks? I don't know. I hate this movie.
"This situation sucks! I don't want you anywhere near it!" - Good thing the literal only way she could get near it is if you told her what part of New York you were in. Don't tell her. Unless the bad guys take her as colateral so JGL will give them the business card thing. Maybe some sort of phone call where she gets to talk for a second and the bad guy says "See? She's alive, and if you want her to stay that way, you'll...not deliver the business...card..." That never happens in movies! This looks like Spiderman but with no cool powers or robot arms. Bonesaw is not ready.
"Do you need backup?" - Um, do bike messenger agencies have backup? And how is sending more super athletic hipsters going to help? The bad guys have guns. It's life or desks over there, dude.
"You're out of time." - Oh wow, someone runs out of time in this movie? Shiiiit well then sign me up, I didn't know that exciting tidbit.
"Are you negotiating?" - Oh wow, there's negotiating in this movie? Shiiiit well then sign me up, I didn't know that exciting tidbit. That sounds even cooler that the time thing.
"Count on it!" - Okay come on. That just a simple unexciting response to something we didn't hear. Unless General Zod is able to count on the fact that JGL is negotiating? Or something?
"WALLY!" (maybe) - I thought you weren't going to let her anywhere near this sucky situation JGL? Now she's here and yelling your dumb name. Oh and I looked it up his name is actually Wilee. Two e's. Yikes. Is that a version of Willy? Or Wally? Or Wylee?
Oh and then we just see him die at the end by basically committing suicide. You can't no look/no hands ride into a New York intersection. In your time as a high speed biker asshole, you learned how to wield an anti-Taxi chain weapon but not that cars go through intersections almost constantly?
Fuck this movie.
